The Ballad of Harry and Draco
by lightblue-Nymphadora
Summary: CRACK!fic written for a challenge in The Teachers' Lounge. Including, but not limited to, Lord Baron Potter Black, Super!Ron, Harem!Hermione, Inappropriate!Tonks, and extravagantly described meals. Rated T so far. Drarry; Draco/Harry; Draco x Harry


**The Ballad of Harry and Draco**

_Two Houses, both alike in dignity,_

_At fair Hogwarts, where we lay our scene._

_From ancient grudge break to new mutiny_

_Where civil blood makes magic wands unclean._

_From forth the fatal loins of these two foes,_

_A pair of star-cross'd wizards take their life. _

_Whose misadventured piteous overthrows_

_Doth with their magic swag end wizardkind's strife…._

Harry sighed and rubbed his eyes. He snorted, imagining Hermione and Ron's faces if they saw him working this hard. It had been weeks since he'd had contact with them, despite Dumbledore's promise to collect him "soon" and take him to the Burrow. Pushing his books away, he took a second to calm himself. Any thoughts of his handler, and he'd be blasting another hole in his aunt and uncle's house (accidentally, of course). Getting the truth from Dumbledore had come at a price… now he knew he was "The Chosen One" and what that would mean. No control of his own life, for one thing, and seclusion for another. Dumbledore had allowed him to tell Ron and Hermione, but wasn't allowing them any contact.

That had turned out to be okay though, Harry thought with a smirk, as he heard rocks tap against his window. He peeked out of the door to make sure his aunt and uncle were still downstairs before heading over to it. He opened it and grinned down at a tall blonde boy with a pale pointed face. "Evening, Draco."

"Let me up before your Muggles see me," Draco said.

Harry tossed down the rope ladder and stood back. "They're not _my_ Muggles," he said when Draco finally climbed into the room.

"You know what I mean."

They stood perfectly still for a moment, listening to the muffled sounds of the TV coming from downstairs. Their eyes locked for a moment….

Then Draco lunged, crashing their lips together and knocking them both back onto the bed. Both boys fought for control, Harry managing to pin Draco underneath him.

"Ow! Damn it, Chosen One!"

"Shut it, Death Eater," Harry said, grinning down at him.

"POTTER!"

Both boys jumped. Harry scrambled off the bed and tossed Draco the Invisibility Cloak. "Yes, Uncle Vernon?" he called.

The man stormed into the room a second later.

"What's this?" he growled, thrusting a container into Harry's face.

"Umm… it looks like Haagen Daaz strawberry cheesecake, Uncle."

"Why is it half gone?" Vernon snapped. "You know you're not to steal food."

"I didn't eat it," Harry said, losing patience. "Ask that tub of lard and violence you call your son."

Vernon struck him across the face, but went flying back a second later.

"Draco!"

"Touch him again, and you'll regret it," Draco said, tossing off the cloak and advancing on Vernon.

"Draco, no!" Harry said, pulling him back. "It's okay. I'm used to it. Was that accidental magic or did you—"

"I used my wand."

"Bollocks. Dumbledore will be here any minute."

"Get out!" Draco snapped to Vernon, who ran from the room. "Okay, so what do we do?"

"You should go. I'll…make something up."

"I'm not leaving you. Sirius's will emancipated you from the Trace, but your handler is still watching. And what if he doesn't turn up? What if Dumbledore thinks a knockback spell isn't worth his time?"

"I…I don't know. But your Mark… do you have to… you're supposed to be spying on me."

"I'm tired of spying!" Draco all but yelled. He took Harry's hand. "I'm done."

"You can't."

"Oh can't I? Potter, it may have escaped your notice, but I'm just as close to death as you are."

The doorbell rang.

"You don't have to do this alone," Draco whispered. "I can help you."

They heard Dumbledore arguing with Vernon.

"Go to my parents' flat," Harry said in a whisper. "I'll meet you there."

Draco nodded, cast a worried glance toward the door, and ran to the window.

Harry faintly heard the rustle of a bush when the boy dropped from the ledge, and a small pop as he Disapparated.

Dumbledore came in a moment later. "Harry. Are you alright?"

"Fine, sir," Harry answered, allowing Dumbledore to tilt his chin up and inspect his face.

"I've had words with your uncle," Dumbledore said. "He seems to think someone else was here. A blonde boy, he said."

"He hit his head," Harry said, shrugging and sitting on the bed. "Maybe he's seeing double."

"Harry…if someone was here, I need to know. We can't have your whereabouts publicized—"

"Then let me go to the Burrow. You said it would only be a week or so. You said I could leave." He pulled every single memory of his time with Ron and Hermione to his mind at that point, anticipating a round of Legilimency. It was funny, but Snape's attacks had worked in the end—now he was always on the alert for them, so Dumbledore's more subtle approach never caught him by surprise. He blocked out everything except his two best friends, and saw, with satisfaction, a look of guilt pass over the Headmaster's face.

"Of course, Harry. I shall send a Patronus along to Arthur and Molly. Pack your things. I'll just have a word with your uncle."

Harry let out a sigh of relief after the door shut behind the man. He grabbed his wand from the bedside table and cast his own Patronus, and then a knockback jinx on the stuffed owl he'd got from Ginny for his birthday – just in case Dumbledore checked his wand. It went flying across the room and landed near his trunk. With another couple of waves of his wand, he was packed and ready to go.

* * *

Draco knew he only had about an hour. His Mark would start to burn soon, and the Dark Lord would want a report. He unlocked the flat and went straight to the bathroom, opening a small case he had with him at all times now. He downed two potions from it and concentrated on creating a false memory. It should be enough to appease Voldemort.

There was a knock at the door that made him jump. Wand out, he walked slowly through the flat. "Who comes?" he called.

"Your cousin," a smooth female voice said.

He could practically hear the smirk, and threw the door open, relieved.

"Am I really playing go between for you and your boyfriend?" Tonks asked, hair turning pink.


End file.
